


Tourniquet

by Nicole Premier (MistressArachnia)



Category: Togainu no Chi
Genre: Angst, Blood, Death Wish, Drama, Fanart, Guns, Illustrated, M/M, Religious Imagery & Symbolism, Romance, Uke Nano
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-21
Updated: 2019-03-21
Packaged: 2019-11-26 20:46:33
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,091
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18185540
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MistressArachnia/pseuds/Nicole%20Premier
Summary: Just as he's given up on his futile quest for vengeance, Motomi finds Nano alone and injured in the church. But now that he sees his intended victim up close... does he have the strength to pull the trigger?





	Tourniquet

**Author's Note:**

  * For [sonnet_18](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sonnet_18/gifts).



> This story is set post Keisuke's good ending. I will add tags as I update.
> 
> This is my promised multi-chapter fic detailing how Motomi and Nano came to be in a romantic relationship with one another. It is a fusion between a RP titled "Fate and Forgiveness" I did a while ago with CourseSalt (where I was writing Nano and she was writing Motomi), an old MotoNano story I had previously written titled "The Child Within" (where I was writing from Motomi's POV), and lots and lots of ongoing brainstorming and collaboration with my lovely muse, sonnet_18, whom this story is written for. <3
> 
> At least for the start of the fic, my chapters will be shorter than they usually are because I really want to incorporate BOTH Nano and Motomi's POVs into this story, since they are both so unique and beautiful. <3
> 
> As my usual disclaimer, I'm much more familiar and comfortable with writing Nano, but I am going to try my best to channel Motomi here, as well. I will switch off writing each character's POV chapter by chapter.

The crash of a falling bomb illuminated the crucifix above the altar.

Nano wasn’t certain why he still came to this place. He had stopped believing in God as a wounded child kneeling on bruised knees crying in desperation for release from the hell in which he was trapped, alone and afraid. He had begged, bartered, pleaded, tried his best to be good. What had he done, he used to wonder… what sin had he committed that was so grievous that everyone around him was allowed to die and he was not?

He couldn’t remember. His memories were one of the first things they took from him, along with his name.  
  
The truth was that prayer was merely an illusion humans created in their desperation to gain some degree of control over fate. No one listened. A prayer was nothing more than a foolish empty wish. And most prayers, no matter how well intentioned, would never be granted.  
  
But to one whose fate had already been dyed, praying was the only thing left. Black could never become any other color. It was destined to remain the same forever, no matter how desperately he wished it could be something,  _anything_ different.  
  
…Why then was he still alive?  
  
A crash sounded as the stained glass window beside him shattered. Nano closed his eyes as the shards cut into his skin. More blood oozed from his left shoulder where Emma's bullet had pierced his flesh. His limbs would not stop trembling. It was cold, so  _cold_ …  
  
Why did death still refuse him? His work here was completed. Wasn’t it? Hadn’t he already endured enough for one lifetime? How much longer must he suffer?

Nano had expected to die fending off the reinforcements that had come to collect him and Akira to bring them back to the lab. He wished, at least, that Akira would escape this nightmare. There was no reason that he should be stained black as well. He had longed so much to go with him. More than anything, he yearned to be dyed in his colors.

But Akira had chosen a different color and left him behind.

And so, once again, there was nothing left for Nano to do but wish and pray in these empty halls. So he prayed with all his might that Akira would be happy with the color he had chosen.

It was the only thing he had left.

_Please…_

Even knowing that never once had his prayers been answered.

Even knowing that if God existed, surely he would never heed the prayers of a damned soul like his.

_Please…_

_Do you remember me?_   _Have I fallen so far from the light that my existence has been forgotten? Erased completely from your grace…_

No matter how desperately he wanted to plead for salvation, Nano wouldn’t dare ask to go to heaven. He knew that was impossible. He knew he could never be forgiven. Not even at the hour of his death.

But, _please…_

 _Please, God…_  
  
_Please let Akira find the happiness I never knew._

_Please…_

_Please watch over him… now that I cannot._

_Please be his guardian._   _Please keep him safe._

_Please… don’t punish him for my sins. Do not curse him for his blood._

_Please… let his fate be better than mine._

_I will give you anything you ask._

_Please take my life in exchange. Tear me limb from limb. Take my blackened soul and throw it into the furthest pits of hell._

_Please… make it painful._

_Make me repent._

_Make me suffer._

_Make me feel everything, until my bones shatter and turn to dust._

_Please… God…_

_You've never answered me before. Why should you look down at me now? Coming to you covered in blood. More a demon than a man._

_If you are there…_

_Please…_

_This is my last prayer…_

Only the howling of the wind and hammering of rain echoed in the silent halls.

“Meow…”  
  
Grey eyes shifted in response to the quiet sound. Even with bombs going off outside, the roar of thunder tearing through the sky, half the town set on fire, scum high on Rein rioting in the streets… still the gentle voice of the little white kitten hiding under the pew caught his attention. Once there had been two kittens. But the black one’s cruel fate had already been determined, and this little one had been left alone to live.

Which of the two fates was worse?

Nano reached out his uninjured hand towards the kitten, but he couldn’t stop shaking. He could hardly feel his left arm now. If this little church were not mercifully destroyed by the wrath of nature or the arrogance of man, perhaps he might die of infection or blood loss. Either way, this was as good a place to wait for death as any.  
  
“Come.”  
  
The kitten hesitated, looking up at the gusts of rain that poured in from the shattered window. Nano shifted closer to the center of the aisle, away from the rain’s direct path. He heard the door open and close behind him, but paid it no mind. In a moment the kitten had jumped up beside him and was nuzzling against his trembling hand. He stroked its soft fur gently and it began to purr.

Cats were so much more pleasant than humans. They didn’t care about things like war or power or cursed blood. The kitten was warm and pure in its affection. It jumped onto his lap and rubbed against him, apathetic to the dark blood covering his left arm, not all of it his own. Cats, after all, were killers, too. They didn’t choose to be. It was their nature. They understood him.

Nano let the kitten knead at his sweater. He tried his best to control his trembling as he clutched it to his chest and slowly bent down to kiss its tiny head.  
  
Behind him he heard the familiar click of steel against steel of a gun being loaded. Once he might have felt fear, or despair, or relief… but now he felt nothing at all. His mind was strangely quiet. Nano held the tiny purring body gently in his arms, closed his eyes, and waited.

And waited.  
  
…But the shot never came.  
  
Heavy footsteps creaked across rotting floorboards. The musky scent of masculinity and cigarettes mixed with rain and gunpowder to permeate Nano’s senses. A low hiss escaped the kitten’s throat as the threat drew ever closer. Long trembling fingers raked through its soft fur in an attempt to assure it that it was not the target of the looming threat. Still its muscles went rigid and its fur stood on end.

Seconds ticked by like hours as a cloying stillness hung in the air.

“Nicole Premier.”  
  
His code name.

Waves of pure despair crashed over Nano’s heart at the sound. If this man were from the military, he was a fool to come alone armed only with a single pistol. Surely he knew that it would be impossible to take him captive.

Pale lips parted, his own voice little more than a deep echo in the pounding rain.

“…I no longer know that name. I bid farewell to my previous life and everything in it long ago. Now at last _…_ everything has come to an end. I will not allow anyone to stop it.”  
  
Dull grey eyes slowly opened in a lifeless gaze as Nano found himself staring down the barrel of a pistol aimed squarely at his head. Resolute. Cold. The man’s finger was already on the trigger.

At that moment, Nano did not think he had ever seen anything more beautiful. When he looked at the smooth polished interior of the barrel and the fingerprints marring its metallic shine, he saw his salvation at last.  
  
“I will not return to that life. This place will be my tomb.”  
  
Eyes devoid of light traced up the unsteady barrel of the gun to study the man behind it. Older, strong jaw, tight lips, brown hair soaked with rain, the beginnings of a beard, brown eyes laced with an emotion he could not comprehend…  
  
Nano’s gaze drifted upwards, to the figure on the cross behind him. In some ways, they bore a striking resemblance. How fitting. Perhaps he had been wrong… perhaps his prayers were finally about to be answered. Once he might have laughed or cried, but now he couldn’t remember how to do either.  
  
The man’s hands were shaking.  
  
The little life in his hands cried pitifully as it tried to bury itself in Nano’s sweater. This would not do. If the man did not steady his aim, he might hit them both. His eyes fell to see the kitten gazing up at him with bright blue eyes.

Blue… like Akira’s… reflecting in the mirrored abyss of his own. The color of life.

It was not this one’s fate to die. Not yet.  
  
“I reaped countless lives on the battlefield. I witnessed immeasurable lamentation. I am done with it all. I harbor no delusions that my death will be enough to change man’s nature. Human beings are fallen creatures, greedy and shameful. Fools drunk on the illusion of power that will become their undoing.”

Blood dripped from his left arm onto the chapel floor into a dark pool beneath him. Defiling this sacred place. When Nano looked at his hands, it was all he saw. It was impossible to tell to whom it belonged. So many lives… Yet he knew… it was not enough. It would  _never_ be enough.

“…And I am no different than them.”  
  
“But…” Nano picked up the little ball of fur and slowly extended a trembling hand, almost as though offering the tiny kitten to the mercy of his killer. “This one need not be stained by my colors. This little life is innocent of the sins of man. There is no reason that the pure light in its eyes should be extinguished. I pray that you will be merciful.”  
  
Disentangling the kitten’s tiny limbs from his clothing, Nano tried to set it down on the ground, away from the line of fire. It circled his legs, clawing and rubbing against his pants as it tried to jump back into his lap, but he blocked its path. Where he was going, the kitten could not follow.  
  
Slowly, gently, Nano pushed his weight off of the pew and fell to his knees before the man who offered him salvation at last. Nausea surged and spiraling darkness crept in around him as he bent down, threatening to overtake his vision. Pain within his cursed veins swelled like white hot needles crawling underneath his skin as the tremor in his limbs grew stronger.  
  
It was always like this. The body would struggle to the very last instant, swamped by horrific terror and agony, fighting desperately for survival as the light within its eyes vanished. And each time, he would drown in the sight of it…

There was no escaping fate.  
  
Another bomb went off in the distance, rattling the walls of the church. Death loomed ever near. Now it was another’s turn to look on as his soul vanished from his eyes and his existence crumbled into nothingness. This was his destiny. In the end, the murderer was no different than his victim.  
  
Nano looked up through long eyelashes at the man who held the gun to his head, puzzled by his hesitation. His heavy breathing. His trembling fingers. Was he afraid?

Had this man never taken a life? Was this… the first time?

How quaint that a monster who had destroyed so many souls should in turn have his existence destroyed by someone so… pure. It was fitting, somehow.

“With this, all is lost. My existence will shatter before your eyes. Perhaps you, too, will drown in the sight of it as I struggle, as blood bubbles from my lips, and the light fades slowly from my eyes. It is an intimate experience, more intimate than any other act. It will haunt you for a lifetime. I will grant it to you if that is what you wish. Will this act bring you the absolution you seek?”  
  
Pale lips pressed reverently to cold steel, as gentle as a lover as Nano kissed the tip of the loaded pistol. Trembling fingertips, bleeding and bruised, guided the barrel closer until it rest between his bloodless lips, his eyes never leaving his killer's for an instant. He would not take this from him.  
  
One shot. It would be impossible to miss now.

**Author's Note:**

> Artwork by CourseSalt

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Oath of Love.](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18440495) by [sonnet_18](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sonnet_18/pseuds/sonnet_18)
  * [Rhyme song.](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18165350) by [sonnet_18](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sonnet_18/pseuds/sonnet_18)




End file.
